Your son did it again. Every time your child gets something, he wants more: more time on the playground, more screen time, more candy. You have been given the advice as a parent to always stay firm, be consistent. But how can you help your child prepare for life in the real world if you’re never willing to compromise? Negotiation is central to success in business, diplomacy, and politics, not to mention happy relationships.
Using collaborative tactics can help you apply the lessons being taught negotiation training for your home life and help you and your child find a win-win situation.
Show your child that you are listening.
Everyone wants to be heard and understood. By showing your child that you are willing to see things his way, you are not only helping to create an environment of mutual respect and trust, you are also modeling empathy as an important social skill. The best way to demonstrate understanding is to listen to your child’s point of view without interrupting, restating what you think you heard and how it felt.
“I see that you are very excited about all your Halloween candy. It looks delicious! You want to eat everything tonight.
Explain your point of view.
When it comes to the negotiating table, it is important for both sides to be heard. It helps to keep things respectful. State your case honestly, but without criticism.
“I worry that if you eat all that sugar before bed you’ll be tired and have trouble sleeping.”
Remain open to hearing their feedback, even if you don’t like the message or the way it is presented.
“I don’t care. I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m not tired.”
If your child ignores what you’re saying and pushes for what he wants, continue to offer your point of view.
“But I am, and so is your father.”
Solving problems together.
Involve your child in finding solutions. Summarize the problem and invite your child to solve the problem with you. This way he will talk and both of you can come up with answers that you can live with.
“You want to stay up late and eat all your candy, and I want to sleep. Hmm. We have a problem. Any ideas on how we can work this out together?
Brainstorm together, and don’t dismiss any ideas, even silly ones. This is another opportunity for your child to feel heard without judgment. Be willing to consider compromises that will give your child some leeway. For example, consider letting your child eat a small amount of candy, even if you wish he had not eaten at all before going to bed.
Stay firm and focused.
Just because you are willing to listen doesn’t make you a pushover. If your conversation strays, it’s important to steer things back firmly but gently and focus on the goal. If you start to feel impatient or angry, give yourself a break, regroup, and calmly restate your goals.
“I see that we both have ideas, but your ideas are all about how you can eat more candy. I can’t let you eat all the sugar tonight. We need to find something that will work for both of us.”
Once you both have ideas, summarize them, and come up with a few options that you can both work on. Give your child ownership of the solution by letting him choose which one to do.
“Okay, so I think the best options are: you can eat just one piece of candy tonight, before brushing your teeth, or you can eat three pieces of candy after breakfast tomorrow morning. Which do you want to do?”
Has a fallback alternative.
Make sure you’re prepared for the consequences if your child tries to renegotiate with you, or doesn’t stick to the deal. To ensure requirements are met, communicate your expectations and boundaries clearly in advance.
“Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do: every night this week, before bed, you’re going to eat a piece of Halloween candy, brush your teeth, and go straight to bed. If you can’t keep up with this, the candy will be locked in the cupboard until you have more self-control. Understand?”
Keep in mind that while finding a win-win solution is a way to make both of you happy, some things, like bedtime or homework, are not negotiable. Often children act like little lawyers on every rule their parents have set because they are trying to play on power and test to see if you will keep your word. In this situation, it’s best to calmly remind him of the rules, explain one reason why you won’t budge, and leave it at that.
Remember, as parents, you are the executive officer of your household. The best executives are equipped with negotiation training to forge lasting and successful relationships. If you are confident, open-minded, and fair, you will provide your child with a foundation of trust and respect that will last a lifetime.
